He had to go and be a person

I wish I could just hate him unconditionally. Tell myself he's conceited, I deserve better, and that there are way hotter and nicer boys out there.

Then this happens.

There is a boy at our school, who is quite genius, but due to a mental disability that prevents him from interacting socially, he is very rude at times. Enough background.

Yesterday, when getting off the bus, his very messy, very boyish binder falls open and papers are spilled everywhere. Still trapped on the bus, my heart goes out to him. Then, who in a studly black jacket stands by him and talks to him as he gathers his things? Him. Who then walks into school with the boy? Him.

I think I could hate him if he wasn't the boy of my dreams.

Dodged a bullet

Stake conference is a great place, but not when there is a distinct possibility that I could see him there. What I wouldn't give to trade him in my stake with Olivia or Emilee any day.

But I scraped by though, with only seeing a few people I attend pris-I mean, school- with. And none of them were him, thankfully.

Phew. Sometimes I wish I won't see him so I can be myself, sometimes I wish I would see him just so I could glimpse at those blue-green eyes, keep dreaming about those gorgeous muscles, and feel my heart go pitty-pat at that endearing little hair flip.

Something is wrong with me. Mentally, I mean.

And I could've avoided it

Last night I tried again, and I IMed him. Even though I completely and totally warned myself not to after the last time. When I said hello. Then he logged off. Thaaaanks.

But yesterday, he wasn't on the bus. So naturally, I've obsessively curious and worried. I assumed he was sick, because he also didn't attend Seminary. Most likely a benefit for me, because I probably wouldn't have been able to speak out as much as I did. I just can't speak around him. No big.

Later that night, I see he's on Facebook, further confirming my belief that he's home sick. So I say hello, pointing out the obvious fact that he wasn't at school.

After not a few moments of cyber silence, I decide to pick together what is left of any dignity I possessed, and logged off.

Great job Mare. When are you gonna learn?

Who's bitter?

The blog will get better from now on in, but this is the extent of my blog-design abilities. Shrug

This is for people who deal with the injustices of a silly crush. Sometimes I don't deal with it, so this is a coping method.

I just don't understand sometimes, how you can be your best, do your best, and he still doesn't want you.

You can wear your best clothes, put on your best makeup, be the nicest, sweetest, cutest chicka you can be, but he'll still prefer some other, more popular, more athletic girl.

And I could probably deal with that. I'm not his type, I deserve someone who wants me, yadda yadda yadda.

But he knows.

He knows how I feel. Maybe not the extent of what I feel, but he knows nonetheless, and that makes him paranoid. So he'll never talk to me. And we used to be friends, really good friends. We've gone to school together for 7 years, and now because I feel differently I've suddenly become a different person?